I Don't Understand

I’ll be honest with you tumblr. Today I went to the gym, a very normal thing for me to do, and I weighed myself (a bit abnormal for me, because the scale is in the locker room which I never go into). Last winter I said I would be so happy if I were 135. Well I hit that in the spring, really unexpectedly (seriously, I thought I was 10 pounds above that).
And I thought I would be happier.
I really did.
But I still look in the mirror and see someone who is overweight. I’m under 135 now. I should be happy. I weighed this much in 9th grade. So why am I not happy with the way I look? How do I go back to being so body confident? I miss that me. I miss the me that loved the way I looked and wouldn’t give a damn what other people thought. Actually, there in lies the rub. I still don’t really care what other people think of my weight. My issue is that *I* care about how I look in the mirror, and I no longer think it’s acceptable.

And now I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to let this spin out of control and become and unhealthy obsession. I’m scared because I SEE that it could become an issue, but I can’t seem to get my mind out of this place. I’m still a pretty healthy person (just ask my housemates), and maybe I am losing weight healthfully for the first time ever… but I’ve never been this weight by doing it right, so how can I be sure I am this time?